The Langer Report

Engineers & Oil Rags...

Storm clouds were gathering at the Worlds HQ this evening as the Irish team departed after having the brains sucked out of their GPSs at the end of Task #2. In casual innocence I remarked to Mark (chief tech-weenie in charge of GPSs and scoring) that the office was a haven of ordered industry and efficiency, and complimented them on doing such a good job. "Oh well," he replies, "it's us engineers over this side of the room who do all the real work," referring to himself and Brian, "Those two oil rags over there (Wendy and Louise) are just there to look good and shuffle papers!" Indignation exploded... nostrils flared... looks that would kill were shot across the room. We departed swiftly!

Casualty Department

Forgot to mention another casualty of the first task - Geoff also found himself low in the Valley of Death and managed to plough in down wind, belting his leading edge with his head. Apart from a slightly stiff neck (so what's new!) his glider suffered a dented inner leading edge. Geoff was delighted to have his glider stripped and rebuilt not just by top Moyes pilot Johnny Durand, but also by hangie legend and Moyes proprieter, Bill Moyes himself! Bill may be on the rough side of 80, but he still knows every nut and bolt that goes into one of his gliders - now that's real service!!

Johnny Durand & Bill Moyes fillet and fix Geoff's LightSpeed RS

The following day, after the task was canned due to thunder storms everywhere, Johnny flew Geoff's glider back to the camp site to check for turns and handling. After doing some spectacular high-speed, low level passes in front of the lower north launch (you could easily have hit him with a rock!) he climbed out, dictating notes into a dictaphone and headed off to land. Back at Camping Monteglin Geoff asked him if he had looped the glider (there were rumours of airial horseplay.) "No, no, mate, I didn't loop your glider once - I swear!" he protested... "I looped the bastard at least three times and flat-spun it down the last couple of grand!" he muttered under his breath as he walked away!

Skinni-Dipping update

Carole Tobler, everyone's favourate aquatic nymphette, has moved camp and skinni dipping venue up to Lac de Mison because she found the Gorges de la Meouge getting too crowded by camera men with boxes of Kleenex and hand cream! I know we'd all love to see some of these pictures, so please let me have them - I'm in the second mobile home on the right, but please, please make sure you keep your camera lenses clean - a smeared lens makes for a bad pic!

Cornelia in Grope protest

Blond bombshell and everyone's top wank fantasy, Cornelia was involved in a little grope action on Aspre the other day. Steve Blenkinsop (Team Oz) wasn't sure whether to ask for more or file a protest for blatant pilot distraction at take-off when Cornelia gave Blenkie an extended and penetrating pre-flight grope around his leg loops. FAI observers were in a dilemma as there is no Section 7 rule about flying with three uprights! Whatever the outcome, don't make promises your hands can't keep, Cornelia!!

Pole Position

We're not sure what Dariusz Perenc did to piss off the Sky Gods, but after mincing in on the south Chabre launch the other day (following a truly lame launch run) his glider was picked up by a dust devil, spun vertically on a wing tip quite gracefully before being dumped upside down in the only available space left open! No other gliders were hurt in the incident.

Jonny Durand photographing Boo's boobs!

In the Dog House

It may seem a bit unfair to report quite so closely the limited progress of the Irish team but spilled beans from the other nations are thin on the ground and I rely on Shaun (and a few other turn coats!) for most of these dirty rumours! I digress. After launching from Aspre on Thursday's Task #2, Shaun bombed after a magnificent, but inevitably doomed, struggle with gravity only to land in a small farm yard in the arse end of nowhere. The farmer came running out, cursing and swearing at Shaun and generally rearranging his family tree in the local dialect, and then went off to fetch a bale of hay, some petrol and a match to burn his glider (no shit - honestly!) While rapidly packing up his wing, with a mind to legging it out of the farm, Davor Bokun decided that the farmer's dog house looked an all too tempting spot for an emergency landing and piled into it rather untidly, more or less totally destroying in in the process! The entire Canadian team (Rob Clarkson... a small but firmly built brick shithouse!) circling overhead saw the two downed gliders and decided to join them for a chat (this is the World Championships after all!) but managed to make a text book touch-down in the nice big field beside the farm yard. He was then followed by a string of other pilots who got bored with flying and also wanted to go home for a beer. With so many big hairy pilots, now armed with an assortment of broken uprights, base-bars, pitch-forks and some of the smaller pilots, the farmer was outnumbered and intimidated into running away... giving truth to the old saying: Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" while you look around for a big stick!

Bells and Whistles

Aussie donk, Cameron Tumbleweed accidentally revealed that he has pierced genitals, during a late night drinking session, and has been 'persuaded' to expose all at tonight's party in the camp site. Aparently he'll be wearing a little bell on his knob to let us all know when he's coming! Free beers to anyone who gets the evidence on camera!

Cameron demonstrates the size of his pierced cock!

It's toooo big... and I'm too small!!

Julia Kucherenko, who is temporarily flying a loaned Combat L 13.7 (and doing very well!) after her own 12m wing suffered a broken cross-boom when she attempted to nest in a tree, revealed that she is having serious 'penetration' issues with the big one she's now got her mits on. Julia, a petite 55kg, was receiving instruction from the Irish on the 'slow and easy method' for a less painful and more pleasurable experience. Perhaps she should stop Combating her Aeros and have a play with an Airborne Climax!

Julia - Size is everything!

Here are a few pics of the tree that Julia chose to nest in... but did she really have to give it such a hard time?

Hmm... a tight fit!

...but we could always go bunjee jumping as a consolation prize!

Swiss Cheese... hard cheese.

Swiss pilot, Ashanta, bending over to help the Langer Report...

...arrived (rather than landed) in a heap! Ouch! Looks like boyfriend Fast Fredy Bircher won't be getting any wrist action for a while! Commisserations kiddo!

And finally...

The Langer Report goes international!

Word has reached Langer HQ that this Scuttlebut Express is now more widely read than the (now less famous) Oz Report! WooHoo! In your face Davis... we've got ourselves a circulation war! It appears that news of my organ has leaked out onto the international mailing lists and forums and has proved right popular! True or not, it sounds good!

Arms Race... I need a bigger saucepan!

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By the way, if you're looking for news on how the tasks are going and how the pilots are doing, you won't find that stuff here - try the Oz Report! :-)