The Langer Report

21:38 - 22nd June - It Sucks when it Blows

Well, as forecast the Mistral is still blowing hard today but is forecast to drop off over night, and pilots have been put on notice to prepare for a southerly task tomorrow (Tuesday.) With no flying so far and little in the way of real news to report, I've had to work doubly hard to scrape together enough scuttlebutt to keep you up to date on the rumour mill. But in the best traditions of journalism, when you can't confirm facts, fiction can do just as well!

Censorship Scandal!

Ace reporter, Hack Scribbler, has been slapped with a restraining order for attacking the Brits, by a certain pilot who shall remain nameless for now (until his Irish passport is fully confirmed!) Apparently certain pilots in the British camp were feeling hard done by by the impartial and partially partisan reporting in this blog. Other sources suggested that the remaining pilots in Team GB also felt hard done by for not featuring in Ireland's premier international organ - The Team Langer Report! All this journalist can say is: relax lads, your turn will come... I've plenty of dirt to dish, and the Worlds has only just begun!

Drug Testing Shocker!

Skuffy O'Neill fell foul of the World Anti-Anti Doping Agency's (WAADA) strict rules on substance abuse when he tested NEGATIVE for alcohol in a random drugs test administered by Nurse Spank. It seems that Le Brasser, feeling a bit seedy after the night before, thought no one would notice that he was drinking mere apple juice at last night's official welcoming ceremony in the town hall and later in the camp site! WAADA deputised Australian batten bunny Monica Barret to administer 'Correctional Instruction on this naughty pilot' with six of the best using a good stiff carbon batten. However, the real punishment started when Monica stopped the spanking after Shaun started shouting out "More! More!! More!!!" and was denied any further deviant pleasures!

Monica spanking Shaun (Skuffy)

Squid in Zip Horror!

Although old news, this story is just too good to be forgotten! Ex-USA pilot flying for Team Aussie pilot Curt Warren was rushed to hospital for an emergency 2nd circumcision following a disastrous attempt to take a pee while flying in the French Nationals. Having whipped out his lad and relieved himself in a pleasantly warm thermal, he failed to retract his undercarriage before yanking his harness zip back up! The scream could be clearly heard miles away and started avalanches in the snowy high country! With his baguette firmly jammed, and unable to effect a normal foot-landing, Curt came in rather untidily before a crowd of adoring fans who rushed to render assistance despite his protests! His now horribly deformed squid has been likened to "a Bulldog eating custard..." if you can picture that! Hay, I just report what I'm told. If Curt wants to prove it otherwise, I'll be happy to publish the pictures (much) later... when I stop laughing!

Nurse Spank inspects the damaged squid!

Having exposed himself to all and sundry, it seems Curt is incapable of keeping his clothes on in pubic any more!

Curt Warren - One yank and they're off!

Another Mistral Party!

Cameron Tumblebridge? was also the first pilot to tumble in the Worlds 2009 Comp, during the tight-rope walking event! Obviously he had his sprogs set too low for safe recovery!!

Cameron Tumbridge tumbles!

Monica tries to hide her eating (and fashion) disorder!

Another first today - Gerolf Heinricks stormed off in a huff from an impromptu Mistral party tonight after Manfred Ruhmer beat him in the tight-rope walking contest! So...

Icaro: 1 - Moyes: Nil!

Multiple recidivist World Champion, Manfred wins again!

Oz Report... the naked truth!

22:13pm precisely! - Whilst enjoying a final crate of beer before bed time, the Irish team were subjected to (and horrified by!) the sight of the Oz Report's Editor-In-Chief casually disrobing in the next door chalet home, in a fully illuminated room... with the curtains wide open... until he was stark bollock naked. He then proceeded to expose a full-frontal to a battery of hastily grabbed cameras that managed to catch the full horror of this event before the lights in Davis's room went out! Professional courtesy to a fellow hack prevents us from publishing these photos in The Team Langer Report per se, but they are available to the highest bidders... except Belinda!

Phil, Shaun & Geoff hard at work on
The Team Langer Report!

And finally...

A strange tid-bit, this, but rumour has it that Aussie pilot Steve Blenkinsop phones his wife in the deep south of Oz over Skype every night to talk to his dog... while Skuffy O'Neill was heard calling *his* wife to talk to his combine harvester! Go figure!