Gerolf on VG

At the Mandatory Pilot's Safety Briefing on day one, we were all treated to a riviting lecture on sprog adjustment and the use of VG when flying on glide by Gerolf Heinrichs. Gerolf wanted to persuade us all that flying with full VG, bar to the bollox, was not a safe thing to do when racing, and that really we should never use more than about 3/4 or at most 4/5 VG when on speed glide. That way we'd all arrive at goal safely... behind Gerolf! I suppose this must have seemed like a really cunning plan to Gerolf for knobbeling his rivals and winning the competition.

Manfred on Gerolf...

I had the opportunity to ask Manfred what he thought of this, and after thinking long and hard he summed up what every other pilot must also have been thinking... "Bullshit!"

Manfred's cunning plan

There is a ruhmer that Manfred flew badly on the first task of the competition on purpose (he came in 16th) to lure all the other pilots into a false sense of security. There is another rumour that he was just being a good boy and following Gerolf's sage advice to pilots not to pull on full VG. Either way, Manfred blasted into goal on Task #2 nearly an hour and a half ahead of the lead gaggle! The kid's not lost the magic!

Smile for the camera!
Coy comp couple, Carl and Jamie's relationship seems to be based on their mutual attraction to dodgy dentistry! Buy hay, who am I to judge? Jamie's got an ass that would crack nuts, and Carl is obviously a tough nut to crack, so perhaps they're well suited! (PS - that's a compliment, Jamie!)

Jamie Sheldon and Carl Wallbanger clearly share the same dentist!

Not sure what to make of this photo that was sent in by an anonymous snitch (thanks, mate!) but it appears to show Jamie coming up on Carl from behind with an enormous fist shaped strap-on!

Carl and Jamie - weird pre-flight fetishes...

Jamie waits for the Sky God to unload on her!

Carbon Fibre Sex Toys?
This is a little disturbing, but US pilot Dustin Martin came up to me and asked me to sniff the top of his instrument pod the other day on the Chabre launch, and asked me what it reminded me of? Well, all I can say is that it had a distinctly fishy aroma that made me wonder just what the fuck Dustin had been using it for? I was a bit afraid to ask!

Dustin Martin's fishy pod

A little later I spotted Jeff O'Brien standing on top of a van, struggling to pull a similar vario pod out of his pants, and then proceeded to have a play with it. The question begs to be asked - are these really hang gliding instrument pods or have the US team pilots been equipped with carbon-fibre condoms after hearing how rough the local girls can get? I wonder what the stall alarm sounds like on these new instruments!

Jeoff O'Brien with phallic vario pod

Scratch 'n' Sniff

Feu de la St. Jean (big bonfire party just outside the camp site) saw all sorts of mad antics, from Ti-Chi / Ti-Quan-Do dancing to bonfire jumping, to a lezzy couple dancing together and teasing all the boys, to a whole troup of drag queens rampaging through the party. Perhaps the scariest display was from Air Marshal Phil von Trueman displaying his personal technique for finding when fertile females are becoming receptive! Here's the evidence!

Air Marshal von Trueman sniffing Cornelia's pheramones!

Fallatio Falacy!

News has leaked out that French team pilot (Gian) Pietro Zin drove over 700km accross France for a blow-job when he was lured by the false promises of temptress Polline Popacondomon just before the French HG Nationals in Grenoble earlier this summer. Polline, however, speaks with a forked tongue (which under normal circumstances could prove quite stimulating!) and the only thing that Pietro received was a glass of water and a dose of cold reality... that women can suck as well as blow!

Pietro - up for it!

Polline - Blowing expectations!

FAI Romance

Scott Jorgensen(left) one of the official FAI observers at the Worlds stripped off on top of the Chabre to lube up on sun cream before launch started on Sunday. Kurt, (the other observer, middle) was observed to be getting a little excited and stripped off in front of Scott to show him what a Guatemalan jungle looks like, and got a little squirty with his own sunshine juice. Kurt was observed to be observing Scott with intent interest and visibly erect nipples! Cat 1 events are a great place to make new friends, bag'n'shag a few one nighters! I'm sure John Aldrich (the 3rd FAI observer, right) will be there each time they 'meet' to ensure accurate sprog measurements! For bonus points, can anyone blow up this photo and count the number of erections (or stiffs in general) between the three of them... and how many does each FAI observer have!?

Scott Torkelsen (DNK), Kurt Meyer (GUA) and John Aldridge (UK)

Level headed pillars of the FAI.

Hungarian Rapsody

Hungarian raptor, Kornelia (with a 'K') has a hungry look in her eyes for yours truely, licking her lips suggestively every time she sees me! The question is, will I survive a more penetrating encounter if I risk plunging in for an 'in-depth interview?' Rest assured, I will publish the tracklog of my exploration of the Hungarian Alps and the moist dark valleys of Terra Incognita! Kornelia has a clear preference for highly strung G-strings under her clinging leggings that are more than capable of launching your balls into outer space if they snap at the wrong moment!!


(BTW - I distinctly remember seeing camera flashes going off at the moment Kornelia buried my head between her legs while dancing at Ribiers - they were the last thing I remember before things went very dark! So... if anyone has the evidence, let me have it (and the negatives, please!)

Engineers & Oil Rags...

Storm clouds were gathering at the Worlds HQ this evening as the Irish team departed after having the brains sucked out of their GPSs at the end of Task #2. In casual innocence I remarked to Mark (chief tech-weenie in charge of GPSs and scoring) that the office was a haven of ordered industry and efficiency, and complimented them on doing such a good job. "Oh well," he replies, "it's us engineers over this side of the room who do all the real work," referring to himself and Brian, "Those two oil rags over there (Wendy and Louise) are just there to look good and shuffle papers!" Indignation exploded... nostrils flared... looks that would kill were shot across the room. We departed swiftly!

Casualty Department

Forgot to mention another casualty of the first task - Geoff also found himself low in the Valley of Death and managed to plough in down wind, belting his leading edge with his head. Apart from a slightly stiff neck (so what's new!) his glider suffered a dented inner leading edge. Geoff was delighted to have his glider stripped and rebuilt not just by top Moyes pilot Johnny Durand, but also by hangie legend and Moyes proprieter, Bill Moyes himself! Bill may be on the rough side of 80, but he still knows every nut and bolt that goes into one of his gliders - now that's real service!!

Johnny Durand & Bill Moyes fillet and fix Geoff's LightSpeed RS

The following day, after the task was canned due to thunder storms everywhere, Johnny flew Geoff's glider back to the camp site to check for turns and handling. After doing some spectacular high-speed, low level passes in front of the lower north launch (you could easily have hit him with a rock!) he climbed out, dictating notes into a dictaphone and headed off to land. Back at Camping Monteglin Geoff asked him if he had looped the glider (there were rumours of airial horseplay.) "No, no, mate, I didn't loop your glider once - I swear!" he protested... "I looped the bastard at least three times and flat-spun it down the last couple of grand!" he muttered under his breath as he walked away!

Skinni-Dipping update

Carole Tobler, everyone's favourate aquatic nymphette, has moved camp and skinni dipping venue up to Lac de Mison because she found the Gorges de la Meouge getting too crowded by camera men with boxes of Kleenex and hand cream! I know we'd all love to see some of these pictures, so please let me have them - I'm in the second mobile home on the right, but please, please make sure you keep your camera lenses clean - a smeared lens makes for a bad pic!

Cornelia in Grope protest

Blond bombshell and everyone's top wank fantasy, Cornelia was involved in a little grope action on Aspre the other day. Steve Blenkinsop (Team Oz) wasn't sure whether to ask for more or file a protest for blatant pilot distraction at take-off when Cornelia gave Blenkie an extended and penetrating pre-flight grope around his leg loops. FAI observers were in a dilemma as there is no Section 7 rule about flying with three uprights! Whatever the outcome, don't make promises your hands can't keep, Cornelia!!

Pole Position

We're not sure what Dariusz Perenc did to piss off the Sky Gods, but after mincing in on the south Chabre launch the other day (following a truly lame launch run) his glider was picked up by a dust devil, spun vertically on a wing tip quite gracefully before being dumped upside down in the only available space left open! No other gliders were hurt in the incident.

Jonny Durand photographing Boo's boobs!

In the Dog House

It may seem a bit unfair to report quite so closely the limited progress of the Irish team but spilled beans from the other nations are thin on the ground and I rely on Shaun (and a few other turn coats!) for most of these dirty rumours! I digress. After launching from Aspre on Thursday's Task #2, Shaun bombed after a magnificent, but inevitably doomed, struggle with gravity only to land in a small farm yard in the arse end of nowhere. The farmer came running out, cursing and swearing at Shaun and generally rearranging his family tree in the local dialect, and then went off to fetch a bale of hay, some petrol and a match to burn his glider (no shit - honestly!) While rapidly packing up his wing, with a mind to legging it out of the farm, Davor Bokun decided that the farmer's dog house looked an all too tempting spot for an emergency landing and piled into it rather untidly, more or less totally destroying in in the process! The entire Canadian team (Rob Clarkson... a small but firmly built brick shithouse!) circling overhead saw the two downed gliders and decided to join them for a chat (this is the World Championships after all!) but managed to make a text book touch-down in the nice big field beside the farm yard. He was then followed by a string of other pilots who got bored with flying and also wanted to go home for a beer. With so many big hairy pilots, now armed with an assortment of broken uprights, base-bars, pitch-forks and some of the smaller pilots, the farmer was outnumbered and intimidated into running away... giving truth to the old saying: Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" while you look around for a big stick!

Bells and Whistles

Aussie donk, Cameron Tumbleweed accidentally revealed that he has pierced genitals, during a late night drinking session, and has been 'persuaded' to expose all at tonight's party in the camp site. Aparently he'll be wearing a little bell on his knob to let us all know when he's coming! Free beers to anyone who gets the evidence on camera!

Cameron demonstrates the size of his pierced cock!

It's toooo big... and I'm too small!!

Julia Kucherenko, who is temporarily flying a loaned Combat L 13.7 (and doing very well!) after her own 12m wing suffered a broken cross-boom when she attempted to nest in a tree, revealed that she is having serious 'penetration' issues with the big one she's now got her mits on. Julia, a petite 55kg, was receiving instruction from the Irish on the 'slow and easy method' for a less painful and more pleasurable experience. Perhaps she should stop Combating her Aeros and have a play with an Airborne Climax!

Julia - Size is everything!

Here are a few pics of the tree that Julia chose to nest in... but did she really have to give it such a hard time?

Hmm... a tight fit!

...but we could always go bunjee jumping as a consolation prize!

Swiss Cheese... hard cheese.

Swiss pilot, Ashanta, bending over to help the Langer Report...

...arrived (rather than landed) in a heap! Ouch! Looks like boyfriend Fast Fredy Bircher won't be getting any wrist action for a while! Commisserations kiddo!

And finally...

The Langer Report goes international!

Word has reached Langer HQ that this Scuttlebut Express is now more widely read than the (now less famous) Oz Report! WooHoo! In your face Davis... we've got ourselves a circulation war! It appears that news of my organ has leaked out onto the international mailing lists and forums and has proved right popular! True or not, it sounds good!

Arms Race... I need a bigger saucepan!

Are you reading The Langer Report? - Let me know! Leave a comment or email me through my profile!

By the way, if you're looking for news on how the tasks are going and how the pilots are doing, you won't find that stuff here - try the Oz Report! :-)

25th July - Camping Monteglin - Laragne

Team Japan

Meet Masahiro Kitano, Hiroshi Suzuki, Kazuyuki Hirabayashi, Norihisa Wada and Koji Daimon (Team Japan) who are all flying well and busy putting a different slant on the Worlds! Good luck lads (googleTranslate to Japanese)

Team Guatemala
Jose Herrarte (Loco) of Team Guatemala wheezed his way, puffing and panting under the weight of his glider all the way to the far end of the high south take-off at the Charbe today. When he stopped beside me for a breather and to sweat quietly, he discovered that he had been carrying someone else's wing and not his own! - No photo of this, as Loco crawled off into the bushes to cry!

Enough said?

Group Therapy
The Worlds organisers de-stress!

Fly by Night!

Consummate sportsman Amir Shalom (Israel) seems fond of consummating all sorts of friendships, and in the best traditions of sport, collects trophies to commemorate his conquests. We're not sure if those are leggings he is wearing or someone else's wife's tights on his legs! As to who's underwear he has on his head, well, that's anyone's guess!! Personally I think putting a simple notch on your bedpost is an altogether more discrete means of keeping count. By the way, Amir, we love the newly reconstructed dental work - no one would ever know you'd had your teeth kicked in! Got any photos for us?? :-) ...oh boy, I'm going to burn in hell for that one!

Amir Shalom - Hungry for more!

But back to the business of the comp...

Dangerous Flying

Air Marshal von Trueman (whose job in the Worlds is to police the air by flying the course and making sure Gordon doesn't fly into any clouds 'accidentally!') was nearly hauled before the Comp Furer for dangerous flying when he narrowly avoided having a head-on with the Irish team's newest acquisition, Skuffy O'Neill during the first task... On the ground, views were exchanged; beers were consumed and von Trueman was taught the rules of the air!

Air Marshal von Trueman...astonished at just how fast and Irishman can pinch his pint!

Nesting Season!

Julia Getyurlegova (hot Russia babe) came into season whilst flying Task #1 and suddenly had the overpowering urge to land in a tree in a narrow gorge known as 'The Valley of Death' and build a nest, when she started to ovulate in mid-air!

Meanwhile Kiwi pilot Warren Simonsen (a.k.a. the Millard) found himself in the very same gully after following his nose to the erogenous source of the most delicious scent... Julia! Unfortunately Warren was too preoccupied with sniffing the air to pay too much attention to his degenerate and degenerating position, and piled into a small, tight and hairy (but neatly trimmed) bush. Sadly, it appears that he may have damaged his equipment during the fast bang-in!

In an unrelated, but not dissimilar incident, it has emerged that Aussie pilot Curt Warren's wife, Louise is expecting a baby! Congratulations to Team Oz on a splendid team effort!!

And at the end of the evening...

Le Brasser O'Neill conducting a little market research!

Things are getting a little hectic at Langer Report HQ, and keeping up to date with all the gossip AND trying to get my two pilots up the hill is proving to be a full time job! Be patient, readers - all will be revealed in good time!!