The Langer Report

Australian culture (see: Petri dish)

2011-02-03T12:05:00.002Z

Known locally as "The Cock Sucker", one of our roving reporters spotted this quality establishment in the heart of down-town Melbourne. With a handle like that it makes you wonder just what kind of amber nectar they drink down under.

Mind you, this business is a bit of a dream come true - not only is it a tavern, for sinking a few cold ones, but it has en-suit TAB (betting shop) for laying a few quid on the televised cougar mud wrestling that allegedly takes place near by, and it's an offie where you can pick up a slab of beer with your winnings on the way home - what more could an Aussie bloke dream of?!

Keeping up appearances

2011-01-31T11:31:00.001Z

It's official - Jim Beam is the new Red Bull - our antipodean reporter recently scooped a real hot one when he spotted Camo negotiating the finer point's of a new sponsorship deal with this excellent beverage's marketing gurus!! You heard it here first! Welcome to the new face of international hang gliding (sorry Jonny!)

Respec!

Incredible Sex & Rapid Weight Loss

2011-01-20T12:53:00.003Z

In a starteling sponsorship deal, unique in the world of hang gliding, Swiss Nick's new year's resolution has seen him take the bull by the horns and get to work on loosing his spare tyre and love-handles so that he can prance about the beach in his posing pouch in confidence once again... and have fun doing it!

Roberto's epic tail of "How I did It" (loose weight through magic sex) has been faithfully recorded in a new 'self-help for the helpless' range of personal improvement titles, which you too can benefit from... and have a lot of fun along the way! The full title of Nick's book is "The 4-Hour Body - an uncommon guide to rapid fat-loss, incredible sex and being superhuman!" And indeed it seems to work, because just a few weeks after starting his new regime you would hardly recognise him...

Whatever about the weight-loss, it certainly seems that even he can't keep his hands off himself - not even in flight! Sensational legs!

Stiffening the tip-batten Down Under

2011-01-20T12:17:00.002Z

Exhausted after the epic flying at Forbes last week, aspiring world champion Shaun O'Neill was on the hunt for some local 'culture' during an R & R break in Melbourne recently and happened upon this tasteful, gentleman's establishment in one of the seedier parts of town.

It's a well known fact that Aussie Shielas can be a bit rough in the looks department and are often referred to as Cougars (they can smell fresh meat at a thousand yards - and once they get their claws into you, you've had it!) but Rhinos??? Woof... that's scary!

The secret to keeping it up...

2010-12-31T13:08:00.000Z

For rather longer than a possum can remember, Airbourne pilots have been world renowned in their exceptional ability at keeping it up in 'the rough stuff.' The Old Lizard let things slip recently when two viagra pills were found taped to an (as yet) anonymous Climax upright. Is this drug abuse or just a sign of an aging pilot? Who knows, but it would appear that the new REV will have a slightly modified upright to accommodate up to 3 pills. This intelligence was confirmed by one of the (Les) Bestt sources we could find!

Cuckoo clock needs winding up!

2010-12-31T13:00:00.000Z

As pilots make their way halfway round the world to fly, many discover that jetlag is a funny old thing. Swiss Nick, a past (and he would argue, current) master of world travel, swiftly nodded off after rehydrating. His friends were very impressed with his capacity for 'oral therapy' but still had to finish off the bottle for him. After all, thats what friends are for... but doesn't he look sweet!

New Wills Wing prototype

2010-12-31T12:50:00.000Z

I'm not sure whether to applaud Wills Wing's efforts to kit-out their pilots with the very latest gear and gadgetry in an effort to give them the best fighting chance of winning, or to shake my head in dispare at their latest spectacular own goal!

Wills have provided their lads with the very latest, cutting edge technology in outback survival gear (see photo) in case any unlucky pilot should bomb out before reaching goal but it's clear that they really, really haven't thought this one through fully, for before any of the antipodean comps have even begun it seems that the handy bottle-opener attachment in this pocket armoury has been getting the most exercise! Sources report that a number of pilots have been suffering severe headaches after flying thanks to this bit of hi-viz kit! The Wills Wing tech guys are looking into the problem and are confident that they will have it sorted before the big guns get to fly with them!

Ice Maiden from the North

2010-12-31T12:33:00.001Z

As everyone knows, every winning team has a strong guiding hand behind the scenes, managing and organising, pep-talking and teasing the best out of its pilots on the front-line. So much for Ireland's team chances in Oz with me stuck at home in the Emerald Icicle - what will my pilots do without me?!

Not so for the lucky lads from Finland who fielded Virpi, their latest entry into the 'new hot-shot' pilot's club. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, and Virpi was recently caught exercising her formidable management skills as she ran her new team of batten bucks through their paces. Within minutes of ariving at a pleasant coastal site, Virpi was seen cracking the whip and marshalling her team of assistants in proper order. The question is, will they harden up enough for the heat, dust and snakes of the Australian bush?

The Langer goes Down Under!

2010-12-31T12:00:00.000Z

Although your Editor-in-Chief couldn't quite scrape together enough clams to afford to join the great southern migration of hangies to Oz this year (truth be told, I couldn't find any magnetic boots in the shops either, to stop me falling off the that part of the world while I'm standing upside-down!) and so it is that I find myself sad and alone on the Langer Report HQ Newsroom couch (scene of so many 'confidential kiss-and-tells'), pumping my electronic sources for stories from overseas and sunnier climes, while outside the cold wind howls and rattles the window panes as we endure the latest chapter in our Siberian winter... burrr! And so, from my frosty northern hemispherical roost I can but watch the continuing antics of our much beloved (and hopefully indescrete) Flying Circus Top Guns as they battle to be first to get it up in the Aussie thermals before the next guy takes them from behind!

For anyone not familliar with the Antipodes I offer this handy map of Oz that you can cut out and keep as a treasured souvineer:

A more contemporary map can be found below...

View Larger Map

S'funny, I always thought it was bigger.

With this invaluable geography lesson out of the way we can now apply ourselves to the slow trickle of dirt (I mean, edifying and illuminating stories of airial heroics and derring-do) that is already starting to seep out of Camp Forbes. I trust this trickle of news will soon develop into a steady, if not gushing torrent of 'good stuff' in the capable hands of Langer Report's growing pay-roll of 'foreign corrospondents' and spies..!... so start spilling the beans, guys, and remember, a picture is much harder to deny than a thousand words - snap, snap, wink, wink, say no more!

More Psychological Warfare...

2010-08-24T12:32:00.002+01:00


Calculated to distract!

There's more than one way to distract a pilot from the serious business of winning a comp... Sometimes it can be very 'hard' to concentrate on the daily task briefing...

Zhenya has a lot to answer for!

Don't Hassel The Hoff!

2010-08-21T22:07:00.003+01:00

The Hoff: as we remember him!

The Dutch Open saw the arrival of an unexpected surprise guest Competition Director - none other than David Hasselhoff! It seems that The Hoff (moonlighting as Dutch Top Gun, Harm Darwinkel), tired of the interminable auditioning for American Pop Idol decided to take some time out from dashing the hopes of countless, talentless American wannabees, to come to Sigillo and M.C. the Dutch Open at Monte Cucco.

It's amazing the to see just how well a little (or indeed, a lot) of stage make-up can disguise the ravages of time on your favourite screen idols when seen up close in the flesh... sans war-paint! As I'm sure you'll agree, time really hasn't been kind to The Hoff since we first saw him on our screens in Knight Rider and later in Babe Watch (buff that muff... I dive at dawn!) I bet neither Kitt's CPU nor Pamela Anderson's silicone boobs have weathered quite as badly! Judge for yourself...

...and now: ravaged by time and parachuted in to judge "Dutch Idol"


Kitt & Pamela Anderson's boobs - still looking good after all those years!

Hedging their bets

2010-08-21T17:15:00.002+01:00

Budget Travel: France's Hedge Pilots

International fly-by-nights, the French team have been forced to swap their traditional pastime of bed-hopping for hedge-hopping. Following major cutbacks we can now confirm that times are hard in the French camp. In fact, long gone are the luxury hotels, evening massages and a team doctor to prescribe whatever a pilot fancied. Indeed it seems that the increasingly stingy FFVL won't even cough up enough clams to park the pride of their nation in an official camp-site for the night - and the French have now been caught camping in the hedgerows.

This was the scene for Ager, though having recently spoken to the French team leader he was rather pleased at the result - two pilots winning a task in the Europeans, one coming second and some third places.

Treat them mean, keep them keen...

Thanks to my spy in the French camp for this (the pints are on me, Shaun!)

Psycological Warefare

2010-08-21T16:19:00.003+01:00

The English: Innate respect for all things foreign and cultural
Shedsie anoints the history of Gubbio

As any seasoned comp pilot will tell you, the battle for supremacy in the air is fought not in the air, but in the mind. Psychology (maintaining a positive mental attitude even in the face of insurmountable adversity... like when you're at the arse-end of the field, can't see the lead gaggle for dust, and find yourself bombing out in the unlandable boonies), psychology is key to winning the day... or at least fooling yourself that you couldn't have done any worse!

Where is all this leading, you may well ask?

Shedsie thanks his German friend for
"rearranging all the buildings in London during the war!"

Well, there's a flip-side to the coin also... While maintaining a positive mental attitude is indeed key to personal success, the experienced comp pilot will engage his devious mind and employ raw cunning and strategy to achieve his goal (which for most of us is to do slightly less badly than the next guy.) Chief amongst his arsenel of psycho-weaponry is the tried and tested tactic of Psychological Warefare. If one can reduce one's opponent to a quivering bundle of nervous self-doubt before he even takes off, then the battle is already half one. All you have to do then is to bomb out ever so slightly further along the course line to vanquish your foe. Simple!

In a completely un-planned, random encounter on the north launch at Monte Cucco, our Langer Report camera-man was lucky enough to witness this tactic being deployed to devistating effect at the Pre-Worlds by Britain's fastest rising star when, without a second's hesitation, and drawing upon his in-depth knowledge of his nation's pride and glorious history, Shedsie went toe-to-toe with England's old arch-nemisis... The Hun. By the end of the encounter it is clear that the steely facade of German self confidence (sporting a tanned, ripped bare chest, a finely chisseled tutonic jaw and a pair of uber-cool shades - all calculated to intimidate) had taken something of a battering. After this bruising encounter it was clear that the only place that Barron von Cool-Shades was going was down, on a guilt trip to the bomb out field!

You have to admire the Brits for their indefatigable nerve... and the Germans for their uncharacteristic restraint!

RAF: 1 - Luftwaffe: 0

Open University course: British History 101

The English 'Stiff Upper Lip'

2010-08-19T18:03:00.009+01:00

A lesbian maid of Khartoum
Took a nancyboy up to her room.
As she turned out the light, she said:
"Lets get things right. Who does what, and with which, and to whom?!"

Tony Stephens: "Take a walk on the wild side!"

On a recent stop-over in Thailand, British Open Champion, Tony Stephens (no doubt aided and abetted by less scrupulous 'elements') decided to sample the delights of Bangkok and see what exotic thrills were to be had during a night out on the town. Like kids in a candy store, Tony and his mates trawled the streets of Sin City, crawling from bar to bar and slowly getting drunker and drunker... their resistance getting weaker and weaker... until finally their inhibitions seemed to evaporate into the warm, scented night air (or possibly it was the drugs!)

Having spent the early part of the evening getting a few beers on board (a lad needs a little Dutch Courage before giving in to the inevitable... even if 'the inevitable' is forcing it's tongue down his throat... or so I'm told!) and fighting off hoards of sexy, rice powered LBFMs, Tony and his mates turned on the English charm, and soon everyone in the party had one or more 'me so horny' babes all over them.

Tony's little hotty, a lithe, tanned wet-dream in anyone's book, had a curious curl at the corner of her smile as she eyed up her latest trick. "I know what you want" she whispered in Tony's glowing ear, "but I'm not what you think I am!" Fuck me, thought Tony, I'm going to need CPR by the end of the night, this one looks like she could suck the chrome off a tow-hitch! Switching on the old 'Stephens' charm' Tony gets up, puts his arm around his victim, knocks off the last of his pint and says "Right love, lets go - you've pulled! I want you to do unimaginable things to me... all night... until I pass out!" "Ok, lover boy" she purred in a husky, steamy voice, dripping with promise, "but I'm not what you think I am!!" and grabbing Tony's free hand, slides it down the front of her jeans. Heads turned as Tony's empty pint glass slipped from his grasp and smashed on the floor, puzzled to see a look of stunned shock on his face, followed by a 'what the fuck do I do now?' expression.

We'll spare Tony any further blushes and won't reveal what happened next, or how he handled the six inch dilemma he was now holding in his hot, sweaty mitt... suffice it to say that boys will be boys... and ladyboys will be ladyboys!!

Thanks to Wayne Thompson, Tony's (ex)best mate for this little pearl!

We no speak Italiano!

2010-08-19T16:06:00.002+01:00

Party animals: Rob Groen, Camo and Phil

Karaoki night at the Monte Cucco Hang Gliding Centre (run for your lives... run quite fast...!) saw some interesting (and some really painful) performances by pilots in various states of inebriation (thank God for beer - it makes us sing badly... and sound great!)

Aussie pilot, Camo Tunbridge, clearly taken by one particular rendition went up to the DJ to enquire the name of the song:
Camo: "What's the name of this song, mate?"
DJ: "We no speak Americano!"
Camo, not quite twigging it, tries again: "What-is-the-name-of-this-song-mate?" doing his best to speak slowly and clearly to the local icecreamio spinning the disks...
DJ, throwing his eyes up to heaven: "We-no-speak-Ameri-cano!"
Camo: "Aw don't come the raw prawn with me, mate, I know you speako some English - so what's the bloody song called...?"
DJ holds up the CD for Camo to read the lable... and the penny finally drops... leaving Camo to retreat back into the crowd with a sheepish grin on his face!

Great video, by the way!

Do Not Disturb!

2010-08-17T22:33:00.001+01:00

This seemingly innocent photo of a pair of trainers outside one of the bedroom doors at the Monte Cucco Free Flight Centre during the Pre-Worlds is in fact a secret signal to the Brazilian team, who share the room, not to enter while certain 'nocturnal manoeuvres in the dark' are taking place! Closer inspection (while listening at the door with a bunch of similarly drunken, giggling pilots) revealed Alex Trivelato's name tag sewn inside the shoes! Rock on Alex!

Thanks to Camo (sleeping in the room opposite) for this intel!

Back to civilization...

2010-08-17T22:12:00.000+01:00

After something of a false start on 'the return of the blog', I am finally back home and wired up again to a reliable internet connection. The sleepy town of Sigillo, lost in the wilds of the Umbrian mountains are at the wrong end of an unpaved cart track when it comes to the Information Super Highway (the inter-web thingy that we all love, adore and have come to rely on for our daily dose of porn (come on, be honest now!)) Try as I might, I could not find a reliable connection anywhere in the town, and others reported that you'd be quicker using semaphore than trying the rather over-priced local mobile broadband provider. Internet technology in Italy (well, this part of it anyway) shares something in common with the buildings and architecture... it's ancient and crumbling. Either that, or it's been hijacked by the Mafia!

Anyway, I digress... normality is restored... and all those pent up stories that piled up over the Pre-Worlds and the Dutch Open will finally start to see the light of day...

Hang Gliding terms for non comp pilots

2010-08-07T08:17:00.005+01:00

Nose-in: The opening manoeuvre when indulging in cunnilingus!
Wind Dummy: Someone who does a Nose-In at precisely the wrong moment!!
Scorer / Good Scorer: The pilot who manages to score a home run with the highest number of batten bunnies during a comp (see Johnny Durand.)
GAP System: a love triangle.
Dutch Open: (see Hadewych van Kempen!)
Speed Bar: A speed-dating joint where pilots can find beer and 'ladies of negotiable affection.'
Giggle: This is a small gaggle of gliders in a very big thermal.
Gaggle: The sound a hangie makes when trying to laugh and perform oral sex simultaneously!
Final Glide: The final push a hangie has to make to come in goal!
Bomb Out: An Irishman's retribution on a pub or bar after being served a bad pint.
Tip Stall: Erectile disfunction after drinking too many bad pints.
Reserve: A back-up condom.
Competitors: All the other randy bastards trying to pull your date away from you.
Retrieve: A two-fingered fishing expedition after your condom goes missing in action!
Team Spirit: Strong drink, of any description.
Briefing: Telling your latest 'girlfriend' what you'd like to do to her.
Debriefing: Removing the under-garments of your latest pull.
Track-Log: Blogging to the world about all your latest conquests (see Johnny Durand.)
DHV: A mind-altering drug that ought to be banned.
Whack: Preemo Dutch Weed.
Climax: An excellent wing made by Airborne - ha, got you there!
Airborne Climax: Jerking-off at cloudbase while you wait for the rest of the gaggle to climb up to you!
Morning Glory: A daily, God-sent blessing that prevents you rolling out of bed in the morning... not the roll cloud found in the Gulf of Carpentaria.
EN69: The European Standard for Safe Sex (see also EN966 for purple helmets.)
Push: A tactic applied to the the pilot in the front of the launch line by the pilot coming up his rear.
Successful Landing: Any landing where all the wreckage is spread out in a straight line across the LZ.
Over the Back: Doing it Doggie style.
Indefinitely: When your balls are smacking off her arse, you're in... definitely!

I can't claim sole credit for the above glossary (well, not entirely!) as it was a joint effort by the members of Team Chicken Wings under the influence of a lot of beer! Please feel free to email me the definitions of any new hang gliding terms you can think of!
langer.report@gmail.com

Wills Wing Bondage Harness

2010-08-06T10:36:00.003+01:00

Dustin Martin let slip that all new Wills Wing harnesses, that have just gone into production, are shipped with a selection of gay porn hidden somewhere inside. He also hinted that more main-stream pornographic material was laminated into the custom made carbon fibre back plates.

We are asking all new owners of Wills' harnesses to take a close look at their new purchases and confirm this for us and email your discoveries to langer.report@gmail.com with anything you find!

Although it's very thoughtful of Wills to include a selection of 'gentleman's' reading material in every new harness, we're a little surprised that anyone flying these stream-lined works of art could ever possibly bomb out and have enough time on their hands to make use of it while they awaited retrieve - I thought they'd all be landing at goal!

Email The Langer Report

2010-08-06T10:21:00.000+01:00

The Langer Report has a new email address to help you file all those important stories that are floating around out there. So please email in (relative) confidence to:

Langer.Report@gmail.com

and spill the beans on the grubbier side of international hang gliding!

Sperm Theory

2010-08-05T17:45:00.000+01:00

Jam(ie) sandwich

Naughty Lawyer, Jamie Sheldon, lived up to her name and reputation recently when one of my numerous spies caught her indulging in a little threesome action with Carl Wallbanger and Rubber Johnny Durand - resurrecting a theory that has been doing the rounds for the past couple of years...

Runway Bride

2010-08-05T17:05:00.002+01:00

Les Best: The Pride of Oz!

Big Aussie pilot, Les Best (Lez-B to his friends) had to radio for emergency clearance to bomb out in the airfield below Monte Cucco after a humiliatingly short sled ride. After scattering the pigeons on 'Runway 69', Les ingratiated himself in true Aussie style and got invited to a wedding being held in one of the hangers!

Sadly, Les had to pull out early, leaving both bridesmaids and barmaids in tears when his retrieve arrived.

Surprise sprog measuring on launch

2010-08-05T14:48:00.002+01:00

Organisers sprang a surprise check on birthday boy Manfred's equipment and very surprisingly found that his sprog (singular) was unusually high rather than low! I can't imagine why!!

Thanks to Israel Andradas for bringing this incident to light :-)

Outed!

2010-08-05T13:19:00.004+01:00

Former 'confirmed hetro', Swiss Nick (a.k.a. the Italian Stallion) has been outed as being a closet rent-boy. Roberto insists that he has only been renting out gliders... but rumours persist...

You haven't lived...

2010-08-05T13:05:00.005+01:00

Amongst the other fireside stories that surfaced the other evening at the less than spectacular Rio Verde camp site outside Sigillo was one little indiscretion from the alcohol-loosened tongue of top British hopeful, Wayne Thompson. While discussing the more important aspects of international comp flying, Wayne dismissed the not inconsiderable collective experience and wisdom of those pilots assembled when he topped all the other stories of the night (mostly bullshit, anyway) by coming out with... "You really haven't lived until you've shagged a fat girl."

A guilty silence of quiet respect followed as we contemplated this truth... and drank more beer...

Shaun contemplates the unthinkable...

Poultry in Motion

2010-08-05T12:27:00.005+01:00

Following the departure of The Langer Report's former fantasy frolic and everyone's favourite slut, Nurse Annecy Spank, after she absconded with Jeff O'Brien's green quacky-duck, Wasabi (see earlier posts) we have been adopted by Pirate Captain Pukkaud (alias "Choke, the Chicken") terror turkey of the Seven Seas. Far from being merely a sexy figurehead for the blog, Choke the Chicken actually fulfils a real-life practical role in the ranks of Team Chicken-Wings - viz... we've tied the turkey to the front of the team's battle bus to double as a hooter (our own car's horn is a bit temperamental) The problem is... after choking the chicken every day for the last week or more, Choke needs a little mouth-to-beak resuscitation to re-inflate him after a long squwak!

The Blog is Back!

2010-08-05T12:22:00.004+01:00

By extraordinarily popular, international demand (and I'm talking seriously wierd and kinky popular demand - you cats (and you all know who you are... you're reading this!) are a genuine bunch of wierdoes if this is the most educational, or informative blog you keep coming back to time and time again! (I may not have written anything for the past twelve months or more, but this blog is still receiving over 80 *new* readers every day according to ClusterMap.) But hey - it's great to have all you crazy cats on board again.

As ever, I am totally depending on *YOU*, the dregs of the free-flying underworld, to supply me with the very latest scandals, rumours, innuendo, compromising photos and utter bullshit to fill these pages and sate your general lust for all those tittelating tit-bits of gossip that would otherwise simply be whispered in hushed circles and not benefit from the oxygen of true international publicity that my 'organ' can provide! In short... spill the beans, compadres!

Retrospective

2009-07-08T23:13:00.001+01:00

When I first started writing the Langer Report I had no idea it would turn out to be quite so popular - It was really just a piss-take on Ireland's doomed efforts in the Worlds and an excuse to have a little fun at everyone else's expense! But strange things have happened... if Manfred can be knocked off his perch then perhaps an Irish world champion isn't quite as mad as it sounds! Anyway, somehow news of the blog leaked out and The Langer Report exploded onto the world stage like a teenager on his first date, and all of a sudden I had created a monster! Stories and photos started coming in thick and fast, and I barely had time each day to dream up enough scurrilous material to go with them all! I could not have written the Langer Report without the help of my tireless newshounds (especially Shaun and Swiss Nic!) or without the good humour of all the pilots and team leaders I sent up (I'll get Kornelia's G-string yet!)

I hope I managed to offend just about everyone, and I equally hope that I didn't hurt anyone by going too far - that wasn't the plan! I was most pleased to receive an informal warning from the FAI that I was cutting a little too close to the bone with one particular story (those in the know, know... those who aren't, don't need to!!)

Anyway, that's it for now... who knows where or when the Langer Report will rear its ugly head again! I'll be back in Laragne for the last week in August and the first week in September for a little personal flying, and hopefully, if we can get a team together, I'll see you all in Monte Cucco in Italy for the next Pre-Worlds and Worlds!

Final round-up of photos

2009-07-08T22:05:00.001+01:00

I'm finally sobering up after one hell of a party... and reaching the bottom of the barrel for the photos and stories, so in no particular order...

Monster Paiella at Ribiers

Attn: WADA - Flip, acid house party animal!

Zippy gets a little pre-launch manipulation from Scott

Late night visitor

Carbon Katana

Fashion victim!

Phil & Cameron strike up an impromptu didgeridoo session
on a hammock stand in the Mison restaurant!

Lower... lower... harder... harder!

Monica: Why Not? ...because Scott would probably nut me!

Loading up.

Kill Bill!

Shaun O'Neill & Geoff McMahon
Ireland's finest!

World Champions - Team Italy!

Jonny can't watch all his bunnies all of the time!

Jonny's not the only one with a harem of girls!

A playful sky on the road south to Marseilles.

Journey's end - back at Marseilles airport - heading for home
having survived Shaun's death-trap Landrover!

Looking up Katrin's highway to heaven!

2009-07-08T21:54:00.000+01:00

The new ramp on the high south launch of the Chabre was built by volunteers especially for the 2009 Worlds, and was made possible by a generous donation from the Colombians - Thanks guys!

Kiwis & Parrots

2009-07-08T21:36:00.000+01:00

While the rest of us were busy pulling birds at the Worlds, the Kiwi team were busy taking the bird in the mouth! I know I'm lazy when it comes to flossing, but this takes the biscuit!

Meanwhile, nocturnal wildlife from the Guatemalan jungles was also spotted larking around the Laragne undergrowth!

Kurt Meyer in tribal Guatemalan head-dress!

Training, Tactics & Dicipline

2009-07-07T12:21:00.001+01:00

As Irish team leader I took my job reaaaaaaly seriously (as if you hadn't guessed already!) After deploying Manfred's sneaky tactic of flying really badly in the first task (and then blowing away the field in the second) I prepared Team Langer to storm the leader board by covering all the bases. First to go was Shaun's excessive hair do - with that shaved off, he didn't need to use a helmet as his bullet head would be much more streamlined than some poxy carbon-fibre lid.

I then decided to put him through Marine boot-camp... "This is my base bar... there are many like it but this one is mine. My base bar is nothing without me and I am nothing without my base bar... etc." and duely wrapped him and his base bar up in cling-film until he got the message!

To top everything off, I started feeding both Shaun and Geoff a high-fibre, ultra light diet of expanded polystyrene beads in their breakfast museli to make them lighter than air and help keep them up for longer. Ok, so that idea was only partially successful... but at least their turds were staying on top!

Turd in bowl: Third in goal would have been a nicer result!

I guess next year we'll just have to concentrate on flying!

Ireland Storms the Leader Board!

2009-07-07T12:15:00.000+01:00

Ok, so the Worlds have been over for a few days and I normally leave these trivial matters to my junior editors (like Davis!) but perusing the daily comp results for casualties I see that top Irish pilot Geoff McMahon succeded in out flying the Hungarian world champion, Attila Bertok... or at least staying up a little longer while Attila went down in flames, coring the sink like a real pro! (Attila managed just 23.8km to Geoff's 39.9km) Way to go Geoff!!

Geoff magnanimously reveals some secrets to Attila on keeping it up in thermals... and then tells him what a 9v battery and a women's bung hole have in common... Geoff ended up wearing most of Attila's dinner, while Attila was hauled off into a corner for a quick Heimlich manoeuvre to stop him choking!!

The Irish School of Journalism

2009-07-07T10:55:00.000+01:00

This has nothing to do with the 2009 HG Worlds but I nearly pissed myself laughing when I received this photo today! Thank God for human error - it really keeps us sane in a mad world! Perhaps now, readers can get an idea of where I learned my journalistic skills!!

This is the front page of a *real* newspaper in the west of Ireland!
3rd July 2009.

2009-07-07T00:32:00.001+01:00

Gerolf and the DHV

Dispite Gerolf's ongoing beef with the DHV for being a pointless bunch of wasters with outdated and useless testing procedures who wouldn't know what to do with a sprog unless it came out of a sex toy catalogue... it appears that Gerolf is sporting not only a snazzy pair of stretch leggings, but also a DHV approved ass!

Gerolf Heinrics' DHV approved ass!

More chick on chick action!

Evgenya and Julia - I love it when they let me watch!!

Jonny be Good!

It's a well known fact that most of the world's top pilots change their wings and flying gear each season so that they have the latest hot ships for the coming season. Top Aussie pilot Jonny Durand seems to be taking this philosophy one step further and changes his batten bunnies too! Jonny must be hung like a red kangaroo because every time I saw him at this year's Worlds he either had a different hot chick draped around him or was eyeing up his next bit of totty! Go Jonny, go, go, go!

Jonny's current trophy bunny...

... and squeeze!

Jonny eyes up Blay's bird!

Jonny and Gerolf haggle over Jamie!

Jonny displays next year's eager beaver!

Two for the price of one!

...ok, so this last one just maaaay be his sister... but hay!

Oh sod it... one more of Evgenya derigging Jonny's glider

- just pretend Zippy isn't there!

Chabre2009 Exposee... on me!
Hmm... after taking a dig at the Worlds organisers in an earlier post, I see their blogger has been instructed to go rummaging for any dirt on yours truly! You can do better than that, guys! Read it here!

Happy Landing!
Mart Bosman was a naughty boy and forgot to phone his beloved Heather after landing out on one of the tasks, and was taken to task at the following morning's briefing. The question is, in whose garden did he land and what was he doing for all those hours to put such a big smile on his face... and why was his Heather mattress so cheesed off? There is an old and wise saying... Mess not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!

2009-07-06T23:22:00.000+01:00

Chick on chick action

The wild animal antics were not confined to just the pilots at this year's Laragne Worlds. Jeff O'Brien's world travelled green rubber duckie, Wasabi, was introduced to Phil Lardner's very own Nurse Annecy Spank at an evening soiree hosted by the Americans and Aussies. Wasabi was captured on camera giving Spank the ride of he life... and then some!

Wasabi gives Spank the ride of her life!

Nurse Spank injects her secret love potion...

...and Wasabi gets his 'fish supper!' That duck has no shame!!

Jungle warfare

Pre-Worlds Aussie champ, Scott Barrett was able to show the South Americans a thing or two about pubic tonsuring when the subject of the latest beach fashions cropped up on launch. I managed to bag this shot when I heard Scott boast in his best Crocodile Dundee accent... "That's not a Brazilian... now *this* is a real Brazilian!" Unfortunately I dropped the camera just as he dropped his shorts to show the full extent of his shaving... and his hidden ballast! (Scott allegedly flies with around 30kg of lead-shot in his undies for better penetration!)

Cornelia and Phil Trueman in shower romp

The mind can create very interesting pictures when starved of the full truth of visual input... someone heard (but couldn't see) Cornelia and Phil T making noises behind the large copper hot water cylinders that provide water to the main shower block in the camp site. Following close on some strained grunting, Cornelia's voice came out of the shadows in some alarm "Oh shit... the rubber's split!" Followed by a muttered "Bollox!" from Phil T. Cornelia's voice, in increasing desperation squeaked "Uugh, now the white stuff's leaking out... quick, use your hands to scoop it up...!" It later emerged that Phil and Cornelia were actually trying to clean out the white creamy calcium deposits in the bottom of the hot water tanks (Laragne is in a very hard water area!) At least that's Cornelia's version of events! Phil just smiled enigmatically and kept his mouth shut!!

Cbs and cloud flying

Mart Boseman (Dutchie on the left) was trying to explain to Gordon Rigg just how Cb storms kick off in the mountains around Laragne. Gordon had a much simpler answer... you just fly up into the nearest cloud and watch the sparks start to fly amongst the other pilots below!!!

2009-07-03T16:01:00.001+01:00

Feu de la St. Jean - Bonfire night

Photos are slowly reaching me of the antics at the recent Feu de la St. Jean bonfire party the other night. As you can see, all discipline and decorum was duly tossed onto the fire along with the wood and a few paragliders for good measure!

Horny devil, Swiss Nick (Roberto Nichele) tongues Comp Director Heather Mull - if he was hoping for a little punishment, he wasn't disappointed... the other photos are too frightening to be published!

Oh Julia, I've made you all wet...
sorry, but I have that effect on women!

Some guys get all the luck - Phil (no, really!) with Cornelia...

...while some girls just fall out of the Ugly tree

and hit all the branches on the way down!

Cornelia toilet trains Gordon

Straight from the horses mouth, this - When Cornelia went to the loo recently to release some pressure, she inadvertently barged in to a cubicle only to find Gordon Rigg already in there with a magazine and tissue paper in his hands, and his kaks around his ankles! After the mutual shock-horror of this difficult situation passed, Gordon complained that he couldn't figure out how to make the loo door lock (you lift the handle and twist the knob, for those who haven't figured it out yet!) so Cornelia came in to the cubicle with him and demonstrated the technique! Cornelia didn't mention whether this was before or after Gordon had finished his business! Cornelia's a broad minded girl, so I'll let you draw you own conclusions!!

Cornelia - Going to drive me crazy!

Toe Job

Shaun O'Neill's (IRL) dream of winning the World Championships were shattered yesterday after he managed to stub his toe on the hidden stump of a bush in the grass while walking across the camp site, fracturing his middle left toe. I'd like to be able to report that this happened late at night after brain damaging quantities of alcohol were consumed... but it just ain't so! He managed this feat in broad daylight while stone cold sober! He crawled down to Sisteron hospital for an X-Ray which revealed the damage. So far, this has been the only serious injury of the comp - fingers crossed. As a consolation prize, the Irish team arranged to have Nurse Spank visit him to help lift his drooping 'spirit!'

Shaun O'Neill...
Broken toe... empty bottle... broken heart...

Croatian dust-up

Alen Milosevic (any relation to Slobodan?) of the Croatian team was chucked out of the Worlds by his own Team Leader yesterday for crimes against the Worlds. Word has it that Alen was reported to the competition organisers for dangerous flying and then told his team leader to have sexual relations with his mother's syphilitic donkey (or words to that effect) after his team leader tried to caution him. Hay, if Slobodan couldn't avoid justice, who the heck did Alen think he was fooling? Dick head!

English Dentistry

Carl's mum (who avidly reads this blog) is a bit pissed off at the coverage I gave to her little boy's pearly whites in the last issue and wants to give me a Liverpool Kiss, according to Carl (similar to a Glasgow Kiss, but with a funny accent - basically she wants to nut me in the face with her head!) So, I guess Mrs. Wallbanger isn't too worried about loosing her good looks and a few more teeth when she leaves them buried in my skull! (PS - I asked Carl for a photo of his mum this morning on the way up the Chabre, for the blog... he nearly nutted me himself! :-)

Tinks

Tinks, Monica Barrett's girlfriend (sandwiched in the middle, below) came out with a couple of nice little drunken gems at dinner last night in a swanky restaurant in Mison - "What do a 9v battery and a women's bung hole have in common? You know it's wrong, but you can't help putting your tongue on them!" Expensive food and fine wine exploded out of everyone's mouths and across the table as we all dissolved into helpless laughter! She then went on: "What do a woman and a fridge have in common? - The both leak when they're fucked!" causing everyone to go into spasms of choking and coughing!

Tinks (the innocent looking convent girl in the middle)
with Monica Barrett and Jeff O'Brien

Death defying G-Strings

Last issue I was able to reveal the terrifying truth about the ultra secret Hungarian weapons division. As promised, my spies have managed to capture the evidence on micro-film and smuggle it out of the country so that the world may tremble at the sights I have seen and understand the extent of the expedition I will have to mount as I try to map the Hungarian Alps...

Underneath those tightly stretched leggings
is a G-string struggling to escape...
perhaps I can help!

2009-06-30T22:49:00.001+01:00

Gerolf on VG

At the Mandatory Pilot's Safety Briefing on day one, we were all treated to a riviting lecture on sprog adjustment and the use of VG when flying on glide by Gerolf Heinrichs. Gerolf wanted to persuade us all that flying with full VG, bar to the bollox, was not a safe thing to do when racing, and that really we should never use more than about 3/4 or at most 4/5 VG when on speed glide. That way we'd all arrive at goal safely... behind Gerolf! I suppose this must have seemed like a really cunning plan to Gerolf for knobbeling his rivals and winning the competition.

Manfred on Gerolf...

I had the opportunity to ask Manfred what he thought of this, and after thinking long and hard he summed up what every other pilot must also have been thinking... "Bullshit!"

Manfred's cunning plan

There is a ruhmer that Manfred flew badly on the first task of the competition on purpose (he came in 16th) to lure all the other pilots into a false sense of security. There is another rumour that he was just being a good boy and following Gerolf's sage advice to pilots not to pull on full VG. Either way, Manfred blasted into goal on Task #2 nearly an hour and a half ahead of the lead gaggle! The kid's not lost the magic!

Smile for the camera!
Coy comp couple, Carl and Jamie's relationship seems to be based on their mutual attraction to dodgy dentistry! Buy hay, who am I to judge? Jamie's got an ass that would crack nuts, and Carl is obviously a tough nut to crack, so perhaps they're well suited! (PS - that's a compliment, Jamie!)

Jamie Sheldon and Carl Wallbanger clearly share the same dentist!

Not sure what to make of this photo that was sent in by an anonymous snitch (thanks, mate!) but it appears to show Jamie coming up on Carl from behind with an enormous fist shaped strap-on!

Carl and Jamie - weird pre-flight fetishes...

Jamie waits for the Sky God to unload on her!

Carbon Fibre Sex Toys?
This is a little disturbing, but US pilot Dustin Martin came up to me and asked me to sniff the top of his instrument pod the other day on the Chabre launch, and asked me what it reminded me of? Well, all I can say is that it had a distinctly fishy aroma that made me wonder just what the fuck Dustin had been using it for? I was a bit afraid to ask!

Dustin Martin's fishy pod

A little later I spotted Jeff O'Brien standing on top of a van, struggling to pull a similar vario pod out of his pants, and then proceeded to have a play with it. The question begs to be asked - are these really hang gliding instrument pods or have the US team pilots been equipped with carbon-fibre condoms after hearing how rough the local girls can get? I wonder what the stall alarm sounds like on these new instruments!

Jeoff O'Brien with phallic vario pod

Scratch 'n' Sniff

Feu de la St. Jean (big bonfire party just outside the camp site) saw all sorts of mad antics, from Ti-Chi / Ti-Quan-Do dancing to bonfire jumping, to a lezzy couple dancing together and teasing all the boys, to a whole troup of drag queens rampaging through the party. Perhaps the scariest display was from Air Marshal Phil von Trueman displaying his personal technique for finding when fertile females are becoming receptive! Here's the evidence!

Air Marshal von Trueman sniffing Cornelia's pheramones!

Fallatio Falacy!

News has leaked out that French team pilot (Gian) Pietro Zin drove over 700km accross France for a blow-job when he was lured by the false promises of temptress Polline Popacondomon just before the French HG Nationals in Grenoble earlier this summer. Polline, however, speaks with a forked tongue (which under normal circumstances could prove quite stimulating!) and the only thing that Pietro received was a glass of water and a dose of cold reality... that women can suck as well as blow!

Pietro - up for it!

Polline - Blowing expectations!

FAI Romance

Scott Jorgensen(left) one of the official FAI observers at the Worlds stripped off on top of the Chabre to lube up on sun cream before launch started on Sunday. Kurt, (the other observer, middle) was observed to be getting a little excited and stripped off in front of Scott to show him what a Guatemalan jungle looks like, and got a little squirty with his own sunshine juice. Kurt was observed to be observing Scott with intent interest and visibly erect nipples! Cat 1 events are a great place to make new friends, bag'n'shag a few one nighters! I'm sure John Aldrich (the 3rd FAI observer, right) will be there each time they 'meet' to ensure accurate sprog measurements! For bonus points, can anyone blow up this photo and count the number of erections (or stiffs in general) between the three of them... and how many does each FAI observer have!?

Scott Torkelsen (DNK), Kurt Meyer (GUA) and John Aldridge (UK)

Level headed pillars of the FAI.

Hungarian Rapsody

Hungarian raptor, Kornelia (with a 'K') has a hungry look in her eyes for yours truely, licking her lips suggestively every time she sees me! The question is, will I survive a more penetrating encounter if I risk plunging in for an 'in-depth interview?' Rest assured, I will publish the tracklog of my exploration of the Hungarian Alps and the moist dark valleys of Terra Incognita! Kornelia has a clear preference for highly strung G-strings under her clinging leggings that are more than capable of launching your balls into outer space if they snap at the wrong moment!!

(BTW - I distinctly remember seeing camera flashes going off at the moment Kornelia buried my head between her legs while dancing at Ribiers - they were the last thing I remember before things went very dark! So... if anyone has the evidence, let me have it (and the negatives, please!)

2009-06-29T22:40:00.001+01:00

Engineers & Oil Rags...

Storm clouds were gathering at the Worlds HQ this evening as the Irish team departed after having the brains sucked out of their GPSs at the end of Task #2. In casual innocence I remarked to Mark (chief tech-weenie in charge of GPSs and scoring) that the office was a haven of ordered industry and efficiency, and complimented them on doing such a good job. "Oh well," he replies, "it's us engineers over this side of the room who do all the real work," referring to himself and Brian, "Those two oil rags over there (Wendy and Louise) are just there to look good and shuffle papers!" Indignation exploded... nostrils flared... looks that would kill were shot across the room. We departed swiftly!

Casualty Department

Forgot to mention another casualty of the first task - Geoff also found himself low in the Valley of Death and managed to plough in down wind, belting his leading edge with his head. Apart from a slightly stiff neck (so what's new!) his glider suffered a dented inner leading edge. Geoff was delighted to have his glider stripped and rebuilt not just by top Moyes pilot Johnny Durand, but also by hangie legend and Moyes proprieter, Bill Moyes himself! Bill may be on the rough side of 80, but he still knows every nut and bolt that goes into one of his gliders - now that's real service!!

Johnny Durand & Bill Moyes fillet and fix Geoff's LightSpeed RS

The following day, after the task was canned due to thunder storms everywhere, Johnny flew Geoff's glider back to the camp site to check for turns and handling. After doing some spectacular high-speed, low level passes in front of the lower north launch (you could easily have hit him with a rock!) he climbed out, dictating notes into a dictaphone and headed off to land. Back at Camping Monteglin Geoff asked him if he had looped the glider (there were rumours of airial horseplay.) "No, no, mate, I didn't loop your glider once - I swear!" he protested... "I looped the bastard at least three times and flat-spun it down the last couple of grand!" he muttered under his breath as he walked away!

Skinni-Dipping update

Carole Tobler, everyone's favourate aquatic nymphette, has moved camp and skinni dipping venue up to Lac de Mison because she found the Gorges de la Meouge getting too crowded by camera men with boxes of Kleenex and hand cream! I know we'd all love to see some of these pictures, so please let me have them - I'm in the second mobile home on the right, but please, please make sure you keep your camera lenses clean - a smeared lens makes for a bad pic!

Cornelia in Grope protest

Blond bombshell and everyone's top wank fantasy, Cornelia was involved in a little grope action on Aspre the other day. Steve Blenkinsop (Team Oz) wasn't sure whether to ask for more or file a protest for blatant pilot distraction at take-off when Cornelia gave Blenkie an extended and penetrating pre-flight grope around his leg loops. FAI observers were in a dilemma as there is no Section 7 rule about flying with three uprights! Whatever the outcome, don't make promises your hands can't keep, Cornelia!!

Pole Position

We're not sure what Dariusz Perenc did to piss off the Sky Gods, but after mincing in on the south Chabre launch the other day (following a truly lame launch run) his glider was picked up by a dust devil, spun vertically on a wing tip quite gracefully before being dumped upside down in the only available space left open! No other gliders were hurt in the incident.

Jonny Durand photographing Boo's boobs!

In the Dog House

It may seem a bit unfair to report quite so closely the limited progress of the Irish team but spilled beans from the other nations are thin on the ground and I rely on Shaun (and a few other turn coats!) for most of these dirty rumours! I digress. After launching from Aspre on Thursday's Task #2, Shaun bombed after a magnificent, but inevitably doomed, struggle with gravity only to land in a small farm yard in the arse end of nowhere. The farmer came running out, cursing and swearing at Shaun and generally rearranging his family tree in the local dialect, and then went off to fetch a bale of hay, some petrol and a match to burn his glider (no shit - honestly!) While rapidly packing up his wing, with a mind to legging it out of the farm, Davor Bokun decided that the farmer's dog house looked an all too tempting spot for an emergency landing and piled into it rather untidly, more or less totally destroying in in the process! The entire Canadian team (Rob Clarkson... a small but firmly built brick shithouse!) circling overhead saw the two downed gliders and decided to join them for a chat (this is the World Championships after all!) but managed to make a text book touch-down in the nice big field beside the farm yard. He was then followed by a string of other pilots who got bored with flying and also wanted to go home for a beer. With so many big hairy pilots, now armed with an assortment of broken uprights, base-bars, pitch-forks and some of the smaller pilots, the farmer was outnumbered and intimidated into running away... giving truth to the old saying: Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" while you look around for a big stick!

Bells and Whistles

Aussie donk, Cameron Tumbleweed accidentally revealed that he has pierced genitals, during a late night drinking session, and has been 'persuaded' to expose all at tonight's party in the camp site. Aparently he'll be wearing a little bell on his knob to let us all know when he's coming! Free beers to anyone who gets the evidence on camera!

Cameron demonstrates the size of his pierced cock!

It's toooo big... and I'm too small!!

Julia Kucherenko, who is temporarily flying a loaned Combat L 13.7 (and doing very well!) after her own 12m wing suffered a broken cross-boom when she attempted to nest in a tree, revealed that she is having serious 'penetration' issues with the big one she's now got her mits on. Julia, a petite 55kg, was receiving instruction from the Irish on the 'slow and easy method' for a less painful and more pleasurable experience. Perhaps she should stop Combating her Aeros and have a play with an Airborne Climax!

Julia - Size is everything!

Here are a few pics of the tree that Julia chose to nest in... but did she really have to give it such a hard time?

Hmm... a tight fit!

...but we could always go bunjee jumping as a consolation prize!

Swiss Cheese... hard cheese.

Swiss pilot, Ashanta, bending over to help the Langer Report...

...arrived (rather than landed) in a heap! Ouch! Looks like boyfriend Fast Fredy Bircher won't be getting any wrist action for a while! Commisserations kiddo!

And finally...

The Langer Report goes international!

Word has reached Langer HQ that this Scuttlebut Express is now more widely read than the (now less famous) Oz Report! WooHoo! In your face Davis... we've got ourselves a circulation war! It appears that news of my organ has leaked out onto the international mailing lists and forums and has proved right popular! True or not, it sounds good!

Arms Race... I need a bigger saucepan!

Are you reading The Langer Report? - Let me know! Leave a comment or email me through my profile!

By the way, if you're looking for news on how the tasks are going and how the pilots are doing, you won't find that stuff here - try the Oz Report! :-)

25th July - Camping Monteglin - Laragne

2009-06-27T11:58:00.002+01:00

Team Japan

Meet Masahiro Kitano, Hiroshi Suzuki, Kazuyuki Hirabayashi, Norihisa Wada and Koji Daimon (Team Japan) who are all flying well and busy putting a different slant on the Worlds! Good luck lads (googleTranslate to Japanese)

Team Guatemala
Jose Herrarte (Loco) of Team Guatemala wheezed his way, puffing and panting under the weight of his glider all the way to the far end of the high south take-off at the Charbe today. When he stopped beside me for a breather and to sweat quietly, he discovered that he had been carrying someone else's wing and not his own! - No photo of this, as Loco crawled off into the bushes to cry!

Enough said?

Group Therapy
The Worlds organisers de-stress!

Fly by Night!

Consummate sportsman Amir Shalom (Israel) seems fond of consummating all sorts of friendships, and in the best traditions of sport, collects trophies to commemorate his conquests. We're not sure if those are leggings he is wearing or someone else's wife's tights on his legs! As to who's underwear he has on his head, well, that's anyone's guess!! Personally I think putting a simple notch on your bedpost is an altogether more discrete means of keeping count. By the way, Amir, we love the newly reconstructed dental work - no one would ever know you'd had your teeth kicked in! Got any photos for us?? :-) ...oh boy, I'm going to burn in hell for that one!

Amir Shalom - Hungry for more!

But back to the business of the comp...

Dangerous Flying

Air Marshal von Trueman (whose job in the Worlds is to police the air by flying the course and making sure Gordon doesn't fly into any clouds 'accidentally!') was nearly hauled before the Comp Furer for dangerous flying when he narrowly avoided having a head-on with the Irish team's newest acquisition, Shaun O'Neill during the first task... On the ground, views were exchanged; beers were consumed and von Trueman was taught the rules of the air!

Air Marshal von Trueman...astonished at just how fast and Irishman can pinch his pint!

Nesting Season!

Julia Getyurlegova (hot Russia babe) came into season whilst flying Task #1 and suddenly had the overpowering urge to land in a tree in a narrow gorge known as 'The Valley of Death' and build a nest, when she started to ovulate in mid-air!

Meanwhile Kiwi pilot Warren Simonsen (a.k.a. the Millard) found himself in the very same gully after following his nose to the erogenous source of the most delicious scent... Julia! Unfortunately Warren was too preoccupied with sniffing the air to pay too much attention to his degenerate and degenerating position, and piled into a small, tight and hairy (but neatly trimmed) bush. Sadly, it appears that he may have damaged his equipment during the fast bang-in!

In an unrelated, but not dissimilar incident, it has emerged that Aussie pilot Curt Warren's wife, Louise is expecting a baby! Congratulations to Team Oz on a splendid team effort!!

And at the end of the evening...

Le Brasser O'Neill conducting a little market research!

Things are getting a little hectic at Langer Report HQ, and keeping up to date with all the gossip AND trying to get my two pilots up the hill is proving to be a full time job! Be patient, readers - all will be revealed in good time!!

Comp Day #2 - Close... but no cigar!

2009-06-25T18:34:00.000+01:00

Well, we went up to the Chabre's lower north take-off this morning and were greeted with a not entirely unexpected howling gail at the top. What did surprise us was just how cold the wind was, which caught many pilots and batten bunnies out in their skimpy shorts and pleasingly tight T-shtirs. This blog doesn't record the effect the cold wind had on Meet Director Heather Mull's nipples, but we imagine that they were no hardship to gaze upon! If anyone has any photos then do please let me have them :-)

To get the boring crap out of the way, the morning weather forecast looked like the Mistral was going to die down today and give us the chance of flying a task, and so we headed up the Chabre where a 118km task was set from the lower south take-off, first heading 13km up the ridge to Col St.Jean. The next leg was a 32km dash across the valley to a new turnpoint near Gache, followed by a 15km run over to Lure East. From there a 34km leg would have taken pilots over to Pumoisson and Valensole another 11km further on. Final goal was at Orason, after an 11km glide. Might have made a nice task, but by 3pm the winds had increased to a rediculous level and pilots had started de-rigging well before the task was canned.

Geoff and the Pip-Pin saga...
Dispite three days of non-flying weather to check out his glider and hardess, and generally get his shit together, Geoff arrived up at launch today only to discover that he had no pip-pins for his base bar. Well actually he did have pip-pins (he knew *exactly* where they were) but that somewhere just happened to be in a field south of Sisteron where he last de-rigged! What a tit! Aaaanyway, after running around like a headless chicken with gastric ulsers, Geoff managed to procure just one pip-pin from Bruce Kavanagh (UK) and another two from Johnny Durand (via Vicki Cain) and Chubba (sp?) Bertok - Attila's brother. While collecting the pip-pin from Chubba's car for Geoff I thanked him profusely for helping Geoff out of a tight spot and asked how he could repay the kindness. Lifting the floor matting in the trunk of his large car, Chubba revealed a small dark space normally used for the spare wheel but containing an empty Gimp suit on a chain and looked at me meaningfully. "Fair exchainge is no robbery" I said, grabbed the pin and a roll of duct tape and legged it! You might want to lube up, Geoff; it's going to be a looong Worlds for you!

Bruce and Abi
Interestingly, the pip-pin that Bruce lent Geoff turned out to be too short and kept slipping out of its little hole. We hope Bruce doesn't have the same problem with Abi who now appears to be firmly embedded in the British team (or is it the other way round!) Rumour has it that a virulent viral infection is running amock amongst Team GB. They insist that it's just a cold... but it makes you wonder!

The writing's on the wall!

Personalised number plates

Nurse Spank's ride turned up at launch today. Check out the personalised number plates that WAADA has provided her with! WAADA spares no expense when it comes to taking the piss!

Spanks personalised KY plates

The drug testing goons are in town and there is a very real danger that the HG Worlds will be targeted. As a service to their fellow sportsmen, the Irish team are able to supply bonefide drug-free urine samples for a nominal fee of €50 a squirt. Bulk (or Team) discounts are available! We hasten to point out that the urine doesn't come from any of us - we definitely buying in our test samples - but please don't be alarmed if your test results also show you as being pregnant and in your third trimester!

Drug free urine samples
For Sale!

Carol Tobler's Gorge
Swiss pilot Carol was caught skinni dipping in the Gorges de la Meouge this morning and has invited the whole camp site to join her tomorrow morning! Cameras are permitted... but clothes are not! Anyone with lurid photos of this or an other 'news', please drop in to the Irish team mobile home (second chalet on the right - just before the Team USA and Team Oz) and spill the beans. There's always free beer on offer for the best stories!

And finally...

Shattered after a day of self-induced stress, Geoff took to the bottle to wash away his tensions. Readers might like to note the open tube of 'hand' cream cum lube on his bed and draw their own conclusions about Geoff's style of stress 'relief!'

The Sleeping Beauty

Langer? What's a langer?

2009-06-23T21:39:00.000+01:00

Well, it's a local Irish expression. You'll have to go here for a full definition!

2009-06-23T17:50:00.000+01:00

21:38 - 22nd June - It Sucks when it Blows

Well, as forecast the Mistral is still blowing hard today but is forecast to drop off over night, and pilots have been put on notice to prepare for a southerly task tomorrow (Tuesday.) With no flying so far and little in the way of real news to report, I've had to work doubly hard to scrape together enough scuttlebutt to keep you up to date on the rumour mill. But in the best traditions of journalism, when you can't confirm facts, fiction can do just as well!

Censorship Scandal!

Ace reporter, Hack Scribbler, has been slapped with a restraining order for attacking the Brits, by a certain pilot who shall remain nameless for now (until his Irish passport is fully confirmed!) Apparently certain pilots in the British camp were feeling hard done by by the impartial and partially partisan reporting in this blog. Other sources suggested that the remaining pilots in Team GB also felt hard done by for not featuring in Ireland's premier international organ - The Team Langer Report! All this journalist can say is: relax lads, your turn will come... I've plenty of dirt to dish, and the Worlds has only just begun!

Drug Testing Shocker!

Shaun O'Neill fell foul of the World Anti-Anti Doping Agency's (WAADA) strict rules on substance abuse when he tested NEGATIVE for alcohol in a random drugs test administered by Nurse Spank. It seems that Le Brasser, feeling a bit seedy after the night before, thought no one would notice that he was drinking mere apple juice at last night's official welcoming ceremony in the town hall and later in the camp site! WAADA deputised Australian batten bunny Monica Barret to administer 'Correctional Instruction on this naughty pilot' with six of the best using a good stiff carbon batten. However, the real punishment started when Monica stopped the spanking after Shaun started shouting out "More! More!! More!!!" and was denied any further deviant pleasures!

Monica spanking Shaun

Squid in Zip Horror!

Although old news, this story is just too good to be forgotten! Ex-USA pilot flying for Team Aussie pilot Curt Warren was rushed to hospital for an emergency 2nd circumcision following a disastrous attempt to take a pee while flying in the French Nationals. Having whipped out his lad and relieved himself in a pleasantly warm thermal, he failed to retract his undercarriage before yanking his harness zip back up! The scream could be clearly heard miles away and started avalanches in the snowy high country! With his baguette firmly jammed, and unable to effect a normal foot-landing, Curt came in rather untidily before a crowd of adoring fans who rushed to render assistance despite his protests! His now horribly deformed squid has been likened to "a Bulldog eating custard..." if you can picture that! Hay, I just report what I'm told. If Curt wants to prove it otherwise, I'll be happy to publish the pictures (much) later... when I stop laughing!

Nurse Spank inspects the damaged squid!

Having exposed himself to all and sundry, it seems Curt is incapable of keeping his clothes on in pubic any more!

Curt Warren - One yank and they're off!

Another Mistral Party!

Cameron Tumblebridge? was also the first pilot to tumble in the Worlds 2009 Comp, during the tight-rope walking event! Obviously he had his sprogs set too low for safe recovery!!

Cameron Tumbridge tumbles!

Monica tries to hide her eating (and fashion) disorder!

Another first today - Gerolf Heinricks stormed off in a huff from an impromptu Mistral party tonight after Manfred Ruhmer beat him in the tight-rope walking contest! So...

Icaro: 1 - Moyes: Nil!

Multiple recidivist World Champion, Manfred wins again!

Oz Report... the naked truth!

22:13pm precisely! - Whilst enjoying a final crate of beer before bed time, the Irish team were subjected to (and horrified by!) the sight of the Oz Report's Editor-In-Chief casually disrobing in the next door chalet home, in a fully illuminated room... with the curtains wide open... until he was stark bollock naked. He then proceeded to expose a full-frontal to a battery of hastily grabbed cameras that managed to catch the full horror of this event before the lights in Davis's room went out! Professional courtesy to a fellow hack prevents us from publishing these photos in The Team Langer Report per se, but they are available to the highest bidders... except Belinda!

Phil, Shaun & Geoff hard at work on
The Team Langer Report!

And finally...

A strange tid-bit, this, but rumour has it that Aussie pilot Steve Blenkinsop phones his wife in the deep south of Oz over Skype every night to talk to his dog... while Shaun O'Neill was heard calling *his* wife to talk to his combine harvester! Go figure!

2009-06-22T11:10:00.000+01:00

Sunday 21st June - 23:29 - My skull hurts. Yours would hurt too if you'd been drinking the same quantities on booze we have been consuming... mostly courtesy of Le Brasser O'Neill. Good stuff... just too much of it! So, what happened today?

Being a non-starter for flying (still blowing like a $50 hooker) and with no pressing engagements to fulfil, we took a lazy morning, crawling out of bed at a leisurly 9am for a little brekkie alfresco. Plans for our approach to the competition were discussed wihth some seriousness (as only we can be in the cold light of the morning after the night before) and we did partly manage to get our shit together enough to sort out radios and communications. Good thing too, as Geoff's PTT was killing his transmissions! Anyway, fixed that and moved on to the gliders. Shaun thought it might be a good idea to fit a hang strap to his wing, and the rest of the morning was spent worrying over the insanely narrow 2mm cheese-wires holding his wing together!

Shaun fitting his hang strap

Later on in the morning we were treated to amaster class in sprog and glider pitch stability issues by Tesm USA pilot Geoff O'Brien.

Geoff O'Brien gives Shaun a master class in sprog issues

All too soon it was 3pm and time to hear in to Laragne town for the official weather briefing. We figured we'd have time to grab a quick bite to eat afterwards. No such luck... the briefing went on until 4pm and was then immediately followed by the mandatory pilot's safety briefing, which went on for another hour or more! We were all beginning to get seriously hungry and thirsty!!

While signing in the the mandatory safety briefing we were delighted to see a photo of Fran Denny on stage at Ribiers during the 2008 Pre-Worlds shin-dig. It seems that everyone not only remembered Fran's heroic rescue of the Ribiers entertainment disaster when he hopped up on stage and wrestled a guitar from the wrist-slashingly depressing band and turned the event around, but were all asking why he wasn't here again this year! We had to explain that he was under the thumb of de missus and off entertaining his family and the Texicans. Dierdre, you're in deep shit if you ever show your face around Laragne in the future!!

Bruce Kavanagh prays at the shrine of St. Fran of Ribiers

Geoff & Shaun at the mandatory pilot's briefing

During the pilot's safety briefing Heather Mull sprung a lovely surprise on all the pilots by introducing the father of hang gliding, Bill Moyes (who practically invented the sport and started Moyes Delta Gliders) and presenting him with a few gifts. Bill and his wife and daughter received a well deserved standing ovation and raucous cheers from all the pilots in the room. It's not often you get to meet a legend!

Bill Moyes (and family) receive a presentation from comp director Heather Mull

When the pilot's briefings had all eventually finished we finally thought we might slip away for a bite to eat (it now being nearly 6pm... and not having eaten since breakfast!) but it ws not to be... we were all told to regroup in the town square where we would find all the local children carrying all our national flags and standards, and to stand behind them for a parade through the town back to the town hall for yet more speaches and the official opening and welcoming ceremony (in French and English) which seemed to go on for yet more hours! It was worth it, as the parade was headed by a really fantastic drum and percussion troup which really got people dancing and in the party atmosphere. The kids were amazing too - really enthusiastic and cheerful!

Ireland's standard barer in the international parage through Laragne

Mayor of Laragne, Auguste Trupheme welcomes us all to the HG Worlds

Finally, with all the parades and speaches over, the whole town piled in to the town hall for very pleasant eats and drinks. We had to elbow our way through the thronging croud and had to crack a few shins, but the Irish team finally managed to get to the tables where food and drink were to be had. When we had finally stripped the place clean we wieved our way back to the campsite (via the piza parlour) to consume another crate of Shaun's beer. Scott and Monica Barret (Australia) dropped by for a chat and pop music quiz before we all dissolved into our beds.

00:34am - Blog done... my head still hurts!

2009-06-21T12:06:00.000+01:00

Saturday 20th - The caravan was rocking hard last night... but that was purely due to the Mistral wind that was howling all night! It's still blowing hard this morning and it looks like there won't be any flying today... and possibly for the next few days. This means that there won't be any practice day to sort out GPS and other issues before the first task, so fingers crossed on that score. Shaun has been getting in some good flights here recently and Geoff has managed to bag three flights on his new LightSpeed RS in the last few days, during which he found himself out climbing other pilots even though he was paying no attention to the thermal while he sorted out a harness issue! After making a few adjustments to the wing he's pretty happy with the feel of it and is ready for action.

Geoff tries to break his neck before the comp even starts!

18:00 - The Mistral's still strong enough to blow a tinker off his missus. Spent the day doing pilot registration and getting GPSs updated, shopping, admiring all the fit young girls around town and later swimming at Plan d'Eau with Cornelia. Life is hard on the international competition circuit!

Wave bars everywhere

Mistral, Mistral, Mistral...

Reality intruded when at around six I had to return to HQ for the Team Leader's meeting. Spent the next two hours writing copious notes - dos and don'ts - that I later have to bring the team up to speed on. Felt a little like being back at school, hanging on the every word of Comp Director Heather Mull and scribbling furiously for the test at the end! Predictably the meeting was extended to accommodate the Brits endless questions on cloud flying and flying in proximity to airspace. Although closed to non Team Leaders, Gordon Rigg had managed to wangle his way in and was clearly acting as puppet master to their front man, muttering endless questions and hypotheticals to his harassed Team Leader who then had to repeat everything officially. Thankfully he had been gagged at the beginning of the meeting or we would still be there! By the end I don't think there was much doubt in the room that the cloud flying limits were going to be tested to the limit during this comp by a certain pilot. Heather fielded the endless stream of questions with remarkable calm and professionalism under the circumstances and managed to keep smiling despite grinding her teeth towards the end! Interestingly, perhaps Heather's most expressive features were her nipples which, while invisible for most of the meeting, became pertly erect every time Gordon prompted yet another question sending up her blood pressure! It was difficult to concentrate on the rest of the meeting after that! I hope I didn't miss anything too important.

Pleasingly, all pilots are being encouraged to report any incidences of cloud flying during the comp.

20:00 Team Leader's meeting over, Camping Monteglin hosted an informal welcome, drinks and buffet dinner for all, and a band played on into the night. Still no sign of Abi Hudson who's staying at Allez-Up near Ribiers. We reckon the Brits have her bound and gagged, and locked up in a dark room somewhere!

Booming skies, dodgy transport and Dutch Girls

2009-06-21T11:23:00.000+01:00

Friday 19th - 18:00 Marseille MP2 - Successful escaped the clutches of Ruinair's execrable passenger and baggage handling 'services' and was shocked to find that the limousine that was booked for me by my fellow team mates had failed to turn up. Transport finally arrived to pick me up in the form of Shaun in his ancient, temperamental (but apparently well loved) Landrover Defender that looks like it hadn't quite survived WW2. Predictably the heavens opened just as he pulled up in front of the terminal and I got a thorough soaking as I struggled to find a door that wasn't bolted or rusted shut! Once inside, I was a little alarmed to discover that Shaun was also soaking wet from water streaming in through the roof, windows and floor!! Several hours later we finally rolled into Camping Monteglin... deafened and rattled by the very agricultural engineering under the hood. Many thanks to Shaun for driving well out of his way to rescue me!

The sky gets playful on approach to Marseille

Geoff was already at the mobile home with a couple of cases of cold beer waiting to greet us and we wasted no time in getting wasted. Predictably the conversation revolved around Cornelia and then degenerated rapidly. As midnight came and passed, and the beer evaporated we somehow found ourselves listening to the Mistral blowing through the campsite and pondering that most fundamental question... Do Dutch girls shave their netherlands? Nobody we asked seemed to be able to offer an authoritative answer, so we retired to bed to ponder some more.

Party Time!

2009-06-20T00:28:00.000+01:00

WooHoo! Swarming bees, empty bank accounts and aged rellies dropping dead inconveniently close to my departure notwithstanding... I'm in the air and headin' south to Laragne for some serious fun and games at the 2009 Hang Gliding World Championships at last!

Although flying with Ireland's lamest excuse for an airline, suffering Ruinair's torture flight to Marseille has got it's benefits. I find myself pleasingly wedged into the seat next to a pneumatically enhanced vision of sexiness in the form of a voluptuous maiden who goes by the unlikely name of Nurse Spank. I introduced myself by apologising for drooling on her over-stretched uniform and soon discovered that Nurse Spank is also travelling out to Laragne in her 'professional' capacity as head of the WAADA delegation for drug testing and 'dicipline' in airsports.

Unable to hold on for any longer, I made a quick visit to the loo at the back of the plane for some 'relief' and took the opportunity to look up WAADA's website on my iPhone, and discovered that their world-wide remit is "Dedicated to Taking the Piss out of Taking the Piss." Go figure that one out!

WAADA apparently stands for "World Anti-Anti Doping Agency" and my travelling companion is responsible for dishing out "correctional instruction to all those naughty pilots who don't have the required level of performance enhancing drugs in their blood stream!"

Spank's medical bag seemed to be bulging with an assortment of stimulants, uppers, Viagra, lubes, rubber ware, Rohypnol, tie-wraps and rectal probes... though the last few are strictly reserved for interrogating genuine WADA personnel to see if they are secreting any vestige of a sense of humour about their person. Ha! Lots o' luck!

Finding it difficult to concentrate on anything other than my travelling companion's gravity defying 'balcon' I mumbled something about being the head of the Irish Hang Gliding team, which elicited a girlish giggle "Oooh I do love head!"

Hard... very hard...

Meet the Irish HG Worlds Team

2009-06-15T18:50:00.001+01:00

The Irish Hang Gliding & Paragliding Association are proud to sponsor Geoff McMahon and Shaun O'Neill in the 2009 Hang Gliding World Championships in Laragne this summer. It would have been even prouder to be able to sponsor a larger team (as it did in the 2008 Pre-Worlds) but the other three pilots basically turned out to be pretty crap and we weren't going to waste any more money on them after they eliminated themselves from the last year's pre-Worlds comp in a variety of spectacular accidents, including one involving divorce papers! Ah well, ever the optimists, the IHPA would like to introduce its streamlined, refined team of two, who will test their skills to the limit when they join the fray in the skies above Laragne... or bomb out trying!

Geoff McMahon
Mountainy man from the wilds of Co. Clare, Geoff (pictured here laying in wait for the Red Bull chicks to come out of hiding) is a certifiable aircraft maintenance engineer with a slightly worrying "ah sher-fuck it!" tendency.

After failing miserably to get off with the stimulant chicks (above) Geoff sent away for a Russian mail-order bride and was happily surprised to discover that they are not all steroid enhanced weight lifters with hairy chests, deep voices and over-developed Adam's apples!

Geoff currently holds the All-Ireland hang gliding XC distance record, which previously stood unbroken at just under 80 miles for over twenty years... and not for the want of trying! XC flying in Ireland is difficult at best and is hampered by an all too close coastline wherever you start from!

Having flown Aeros Combats for going on nearly a decade, Geoff jumped ship this year (after discovering his future intended used to work for the Aeros quality control division) and is now flying the latest Moyes LightSpeed RS for the 2009 HG Worlds. Here's hoping some of the Moyes magic rubs off on his comp results... 'cos let's face it, we're fucked if it doesn't!

Skuffy Le Brasser O'Neill (a.k.a. Shaun)
Pictured here with a prize winning turnip, which he grew himself when he embarked upon a career in horticulture, Shaun is not blind to the irony that a certain part of his anatomy also looks uncannily like a turnip (according to a confidential report leaked by the Irish team doctor.)

Skuffy, who's grandpappy kicked over his hay-seed roots, sold the farm in Ireland and moved to England to earn a living, finally came to his senses and left that dreary, wet, miserable land for a place in the sun, and 'bought the farm' when he married into a local wine growing dynasty not too far from Laragne. When not pruning vines as indentured slave labour for his in-laws, Shaun, or Le Brasser as be is becoming, moonlights around Provence flogging draughts of his most excellent beers to unsuspecting locals and pilots! Shaun is currently knee-deep in the building work for his new brewery and is working hard to put it on a commercial footing... or at least a few inches of concrete.

Oh... and he's also Ireland's other least worst hope of avoiding total humiliation in the eyes of 130 or the world's best pilots!

Give 'em socks, dudes!